How Technology Interferes with Relationships | Connecting Point | Jan. 10, 2019

>> SO YOU'RE AT A RESTAURANT WITH A FRIEND YOU'RE HAVING A NIGHTS CONVERSATION UNTIL SHE TAKES OUT HER CELL PHONE AND CHECKS FACEBOOK

IT SOUNDS LIKE THE NORM THESE DAYS WITH EVERYONE ATTACHED TO THEIR MOBILE DEVICES >> CAROLEE McGRATH SPOKE TO A REPRESENTATIVE AT AMERICAN INTERNATIONAL COLLEGE TO LEARN HOW TECHNOLOGY CAN INTERFERE WITH RELATIONSHIPS AND SOME SIMPLE WAYS TO PREVENT THAT >> WE HAVE A NEW TERM OUT THERE CALLED FUBBING IT'S THE BLEND OF PHONE AND SNUBBING BECAUSE YOU'RE STANDING NEXT TO OR SITTING NEXT TO YOUR PARTNER OR FRIEND AND THEY ARE ON THEIR CELL PHONE AND YOU'RE BEING SNUBBED SO WE HAVE COINED THE TERM FUBBING BECAUSE IT'S A VERY UNCOMFORTABLE FEELING TO BE FUBBED

YOU HAVE THIS INTIMACY AND IT'S SHUT DOWN >> YOU DON'T MEAN TO, MAYBE SOMEBODY SENT YOU A TEXT FROM WORK, OR SOMETHING ELSE AND IT'S SO IMPOLITE AND SO TEMPTING AT THE SAME TIME HOW DO YOU ADVISE PEOPLE TO WORK AROUND THAT? >> THINK OF YOUR OWN UNCOMFORTABLENESS WHEN THAT HAPPENS TO YOU, RIGHT? AND IF YOU CAN, PUT THE PHONE ASIDE FOR THOSE IMPORTANT TIMES I MEAN, THERE ARE TIMES WHEN WE HAVE TO ANSWER ESPECIALLY FOR WORK BUT WHEN YOU KNOW YOUR CHILDREN ARE IN FRONT OF YOU OR A GOOD FRIEND THAT YOU DON'T SEE TOO OFTEN OR YOUR PARTNER IS WITH YOU, SOMETIMES WE JUST NEED TO REMOVE THE PHONE FOR A WHILE AND REALLY, THAT'S THE ONLY WAY BECAUSE ONCE YOU HEAR THAT DING WE'RE CONDITIONED TO ANSWER IT >> IT'S ALMOST LIKE A NERVOUS HABIT, LIKE YOU HAVE TO HAVE THAT PHONE AND YOU HAVE TO ANSWER IT AND YOU GO OUT TO A RESTAURANT AND YOU JUST, YOU KNOW, SCAN THE ROOM AND YOU SEE PEOPLE ON THEIR PHONES, BECAUSE IT'S BECOME SO MUCH A PART OF OUR DAILY LIVES

IT HAS MADE US RUDE ALL OF US, RIGHT? >> AND WE'VE BECOME, YOU KNOW, NOT ABLE TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH PEOPLE, YOU KNOW, HOW HAVE WE GOTTEN TO THIS POINT? >> I THINK PHONES ARE LIKE A SECURITY FOR US WE FEEL SAFE FOR HAVING THEM, AND OFTEN MOTHERS OR LOVED ONES THINK, WHAT IF SOMEONE NEEDS ME I BETTER HAVE MY PHONE WITH ME >> WE DO THINK THAT

>> OH, EXCUSE ME, IT'S MY CHILD I HAVE TO ANSWER, YOU KNOW >> MOST OF THE TIME IT'S NOT GOING TO BE A SITUATION THAT NEEDED TO BE ADDRESSED AT THE MOMENT BUT WE FEEL SAFER BEING ABLE TO ANSWER AND FIND OUT WHAT'S HAPPENING >> CAN THIS BE ADDICTIVE? I KNOW THAT'S KIND OF A BIG WORD BUT IT CAN BE JUST ONE OF THOSE HABITS YOU CAN'T KICK? >> IT CAN BE COMPULSIVE I WAS JUST SPEAKING TO SOME UNDERGRAD STUDENTS ON CAMPUS AND I WAS SHOCKED TO HEAR THAT THEY OFTEN GET UP AT NIGHT TO CHECK THEIR SOCIAL MEDIA AND SHE SAID TO ME, MANY OF MY FRIENDS, PEOPLE MY AGE, THIS IS WHAT WE DO

>> AND SHE ACTUALLY DID A LITTLE RESEARCH CAMPUS ON STUDY LOOKING AT SOCIAL MEDIA USE OR EVEN THE SMARTPHONE USE AND DEPRESSION AND SHE DID FIND LIKE MANY RESEARCH STUDIES PROFESSIONAL RESEARCH STUDIES FIND OVERUSE CAN LEAD TO HIGHER LEVELS OF DEPRESSION AND WHAT WE FOUND IS THAT WHEN YOU HAVE LOWER RELATIONSHIP SATISFACTION DUE TO TOO MUCH TIME SPENT ON, WHETHER IT BE SOCIAL MEDIA, YOUR PHONE, TABLET OR ANOTHER SCREEN, IT REDUCES THAT INTIMACY THAT CAN LEAD TO LOWER LIVE SATISFACTION, WHICH CAN ALSO LEAD TO DEPRESSION WE DO HAVE STUDIES THAT SHOW COMPULSIVE USE CAN LEAD TO DEPRESSION >> AND ALSO ANXIETY AS WELL, LIGHT? BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THAT SOCIAL MEDIA AND YOU PUT UP A POST AND NO ONE LIKES IT

BECAUSE YOU ARE LOOKING AT THAT CONSTANTLY >> ABSOLUTELY >> YOU'RE LOOKING TO SEE WHO RESPONDED, AND THEN THERE COULD BE A RESPONSE THAT YOU MISINTERPRET BECAUSE THAT TYPE OF COMMUNICATION IS LACKING NONVERBAL CUES THE FACIAL EXPRESSION THE HANDS, BODY LANGUAGE

IT'S ALL MISSING AND SOMEBODY MAY SAY SOMETHING AND YOU MAY MISINTERPRET IT WHICH CAN SNOWFALL BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO RESPOND IN A MAYBE NEGATIVE WAY >> WHAT DO YOU? DO YOU JUST PUT IT AWAY FOR A FEW HOURS BECAUSE AS YOU KNOW, SO MANY PEOPLE USE THEIR PHONES FOR WORK >> RIGHT >> AND CONSTANTLY CHECKING THINGS, YOU KNOW, IT MIGHT BE EASIER TO ANSWER A TEXT QUICKLY >> IT IS

>> BUT WHAT'S THE ANSWER FOR ALL OF THIS? I DON'T EVEN WANT TO GET TO THE KIDS I'LL TALK ABOUT THEM IN A SECOND WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE MODELS HERE WHAT'S THE ANSWER? >> IT DEPENDS ON THE PERSON BUT WE ALL HAVE TO FIND A BALANCE IN OUR LIVES AND THAT INCLUDES OUR CELL PHONES AND OUR SOCIAL MEDIA WE CAN'T LET IT INTRUDE UPON OUR PERSONAL LIVES OR EVEN OUR WORK LIVES IF WE'RE SCROLLING FACEBOOK WHILE WE'RE AT WORK BECAUSE WE JUST HAVE TO KNOW

THOSE ARE THE THINGS WE NEED TO THINK ABOUT HOW IS THIS INTRUDING ON MY LIFE AND HOW CAN I MAKE THIS BETTER AND MAKING THE DECISIONS TO PUT IT AWAY FOR A WHILE DURING CERTAIN TIMES >> SO KIDS HAVE GROWN UP WITH THIS ESPECIALLY THE LITTLE ONES THEY HAVE GROWN UP, THIS IS JUST NORMAL FOR THEM

TO HAVE A PHONE, LET ME PLAY ON THE PHONE OR, YOU KNOW, YOU EVEN SEE KID, THIRD GRADE, FOURTH GRADE, WHO HAVE THEIR OWN PHONES HOW DO WE TEACH THEM TO LOOK, YOU KNOW, AN ADULT OR ANOTHER CHILD IN THE EYES, HOW ARE YOU? IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU TODAY AND TO HAVE THAT PERSONAL CONTACT? >> THEY FIND THE PHONE REWARDING THEY FIND THE SOCIAL COMMUNICATION REWARDING THE THE TEENS ACTUALLY SPEND AROUND NINE HOURS A DAY ON SOCIAL MEDIA LOOKING AT THINGS LIKE YouTube AND FACEBOOK IN PARTICULAR, WHERE ADULTS SPEND AROUND 10 HOURS A DAY AND THEY ARE MORE LIKELY TO WATCH THE DIVISION

AGAIN, IT VARIES HOWEVER, WITH THE TEENS, WE NEED TO ALSO LET OTHER EXPERIENCES BE REWARDING THE PHONE IS REWARDING TO THEM THEY ARE GAINING SOMETHING FROM IT SO HOW DO WE MAKE OTHER THINGS REWARDING FOR THEM

SUCH AS SPORTS OR BEING INVOLVED IN COMMUNITY pTHOSE THINGS ARE REWARDING WE CAN'T FORGET THOSE THINGS WE AS ADULTS CAN'T FORGET THOSE THINGS AND WE HAVE TO BRING THE CHILDREN IN

>> THE LITTLE KIDS, THOUGH, TOO, THE LITTLE KIDS ARE GROWING UP VERY USED TO LOOKING DOWN HOW ARE YOU DOING? >> AND THEY ARE STILL LOOKING DOWN AT THE PHONE YOU HAVE TO GET THEIR ATTENTION AGAIN, THAT GOES BACK TO JUST THOSE INTERPERSONAL SKILLS THAT ARE LOST >> THEY ARE LOST, AND A HUGE PIECE OF COMMUNICATION IS MISSING THERE

THE PIECE OF HEALTHY ONE-ON-ONE COMMUNICATION, PHYSICALLY BEING THERE, EMOTIONALLY BEING THERE, AS WELL AS THE PHYSICAL, HEALTHY PHYSICAL TOUCHES THAT ARE INVOLVED IF THAT COMMUNICATION, AND I ALWAYS THINK BACK TO TIFFANY FIELD SHE'S A RESEARCHER WHO TOLD US YEARS AGO THAT INFANTS IN THE NIC-U WHO HAVE HEALTHY TOUCH HAVE 10 DAYS LESS IN THE HOSPITAL WE CAN LEARN FROM THESE INFANTS, THAT WE ALL NEED AS HUMAN BEINGS HEALTHY HUMAN TOUCH FROM ONE ANOTHER AND THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN WHEN YOU'RE ON THE PHONE SO WE HAVE TO MAKE SURE OUR CHILDREN HAVE THE IMPORTANT PIECES IN THEIR LIVES INCLUDING THE HUG FROM THE PARENT OR THAT TIME WHERE YOU'RE JUST PUTTING THE PHONES ASIDE IT'S VERY IMPORTANT

>> BOTTOM LINE, YOU SAID, WE NEED THAT HEALTHY BALANCE AND PUT YOUR PHONES ASIDE, SO GIVE ME SOME CONCRETE EXAMPLES AND SOME ADVICE HERE OBVIOUSLY, DINNERTIME OUT IN A RESTAURANT WALKING INTO CHURCH OR SYNAGOGUE OBVIOUSLY, YOU NEED TO PUT THE PHONES AWAY BUT GIVE ME SOME OTHER, YOU KNOW, JUST HELPFUL ADVICE FOR THIS

>> ABSOLUTELY SOMETIMES WE NEED THOSE REMINDERS I REMEMBER WALKING INTO CHURCH AND NOWADAYS THEY ACTUALLY ANNOUNCE IT, RIGHT? PLEASE SHUT DOWN YOUR PHONES, RIGHT? SO MAYBE WE TAKE THAT AND PUT THAT INTO OUR LIVES, THINKING OF OUR CHILDREN, WHETHER THEY ARE YOUNG OR THEY ARE TEENS, THAT THEY ALSO NEED THAT REMINDER BECAUSE AGAIN, WE'RE CONDITIONED, ONCE WE HEAR THAT DING, WE GO FOR THE PHONE, SO NOW YOU NEED TO CONDITION THEM TO ALSO FIND OTHER THINGS REWARDING DURING CERTAIN TIMES, AND THAT'S SETTING BOUNDARIES THAT'S THE JOB OF PARENTS, SETTING BOUNDARIES

THESE ARE THE TIMES WE'RE TOGETHER WITHOUT OUR SOCIAL MEDIA AND WE NEED TO BE THE ROLE MODELS IT DEPEND ON THE FAMILY WHEN IS THAT QUIET TIME THAT YOU HAVE TOGETHER? IS IT DINNER OR DO YOU HAVE A PARENT THAT'S WORKING A SECOND SHIFT? SO MAYBE IT'S IN THE MORNING WHEN YOU'RE ALL GETTING READY TO PUT THE CHILDREN ON THE BUS OR GO OFF TO SCHOOL WE HAVE TO FIGURE THAT OUT AS FAMILIES

Source: Youtube